I wake up everyday hoping and praying I didn’t gain any weight from yesterday. Weighing myself usually is a struggle every morning. One foot on the scale, the bright red wand spikes up
It went pretty high, maybe I should just weigh myself tomorrow and eat only fruit today
Finally, I gather up enough courage to place both feet on the pale, cold scale. 128
How did this happen? I hardly ate anything yesterday.
What’s wrong with me? I usually weigh 120. I’m getting fat. My stomach feels flabby.
I hop off the scale And sludge my clothes back on. I can smell the breakfast my mother has prepared for me. Pancakes, bacon, eggs, and cinnamon toast; The smell is intoxicating. I hurry down the stairs to see my plate sitting bare, on the table.
They know. I’m not allowed to have carbs or fatty meat. I can’t possibly eat anything that might make me gain weight. So I just sit and watch. They look so happy. They’re talking about what their plans are for the day and how they slept. I want to talk. Most of all I want to eat. I want to be able to eat like they are eating. I want to be happy. I take a second to register what I’m doing. I’m staring at the pancakes and mumbling to myself. Great, not only do they think I’m crazy for not eating normally but now I talk to myself and stare at food. I smile and greet everyone warmly, trying to disregard the fact that I’m staring a steaming stack of pancakes. I quickly grab an apple and take a huge bite. It’s not bread and meat, but it will have to do. I scoff the apple down within a minute. My attention flashes back to the stack of pancakes. I could eat every single item on this table. I know I can. If I have one bite, I’ll be done for, but most importantly all the food will be done for. Maybe I’ll just drink a glass of water. I’m probably just dehydrated. I slowly stand up. I quickly run to cupboard, grab a glass, and fill it with ice cold water. I gulp it down in 10 seconds. I want more. Anything to keep me from devouring everything and anything in this house.
By the time I’m done drinking, I’ve almost had a gallon of water. I feel light headed from all the water. I try to have more water but my throat refuses it. I throw the glass in the sink, and slowly pace myself back to my room.
I threw myself onto the bed feeling the water and apple bits slosh inside my belly. I quickly text my boyfriend about my morning and how much I drank. He was surprised. He wanted to know why I didn’t just eat like everyone else. If I eat like everyone else, I will gain so much weight. Why doesn’t he understand.
He presses and forces the fact that I should eat normally. I can feel myself getting irritated. He just doesn’t get it. I don’t want to start yelling at him. If I start to yell tears will come. I don’t feel like crying, if I cry he will think he did something wrong when he’s just trying to help. Finally I crack.
You don’t get it! You won’t be the one who is standing on the scale in the mornings praying you weigh less, you won’t be the one feeling your clothes suffocating you more and more everyday, you won’t feel the arm holes in your shirts getting tighter, you won’t be the one feeling your thighs rub roughly together when you walk, you won’t see my face getting bigger, you won’t feel the guiltiness of eating what you want. You will never understand what goes through my mind on a daily basis. You will never understand what it’s like to weigh 172 pounds and to think you look hideous. You try waking up every morning and getting on the same scale and getting the same ugly number. You don’t know what I’ve been through. You will never know.
I can feel the tears coming, I try to swallow but there’s a lump in my throat. My lips and nose start to feel heated. The first tear strolled down my cheek towards my lip. It’s a warm salty liquid. I know that soon there will be more if I don’t calm down. I quickly wipe the tear away.
My boyfriend is awestruck and quickly apologizes. why is he apologizing?! I don’t want sorrys!?
I feel guilty. But this time it’s not for eating. It’s because I just went off on the one person who actually cared enough to see and ask if I was okay. what’s wrong with me!?
I apologize and tell him I’m fine and he shouldn’t worry. I don’t want to be his burden. I don’t want him to worry.
To be continued..