Hungry

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I wake up everyday hoping and praying I didn’t gain any weight from yesterday. Weighing myself usually is a struggle every morning. One foot on the scale, the bright red wand spikes up

It went pretty high, maybe I should just weigh myself tomorrow and eat only fruit today

Finally, I gather up enough courage to place both feet on the pale, cold scale. 128

How did this happen? I hardly ate anything yesterday.

What’s wrong with me? I usually weigh 120. I’m getting fat. My stomach feels flabby.
I hop off the scale And sludge my clothes back on. I can smell the breakfast my mother has prepared for me. Pancakes, bacon, eggs, and cinnamon toast; The smell is intoxicating. I hurry down the stairs to see my plate sitting bare, on the table.
They know. I’m not allowed to have carbs or fatty meat. I can’t possibly eat anything that might make me gain weight. So I just sit and watch. They look so happy. They’re talking about what their plans are for the day and how they slept. I want to talk. Most of all I want to eat. I want to be able to eat like they are eating. I want to be happy. I take a second to register what I’m doing. I’m staring at the pancakes and mumbling to myself. Great, not only do they think I’m crazy for not eating normally but now I talk to myself and stare at food. I smile and greet everyone warmly, trying to disregard the fact that I’m staring a steaming stack of pancakes. I quickly grab an apple and take a huge bite. It’s not bread and meat, but it will have to do. I scoff the apple down within a minute. My attention flashes back to the stack of pancakes. I could eat every single item on this table. I know I can. If I have one bite, I’ll be done for, but most importantly all the food will be done for. Maybe I’ll just drink a glass of water. I’m probably just dehydrated. I slowly stand up. I quickly run to cupboard, grab a glass, and fill it with ice cold water. I gulp it down in 10 seconds. I want more. Anything to keep me from devouring everything and anything in this house.

By the time I’m done drinking, I’ve almost had a gallon of water. I feel light headed from all the water. I try to have more water but my throat refuses it. I throw the glass in the sink, and slowly pace myself back to my room.

I threw myself onto the bed feeling the water and apple bits slosh inside my belly. I quickly text my boyfriend about my morning and how much I drank. He was surprised. He wanted to know why I didn’t just eat like everyone else. If I eat like everyone else, I will gain so much weight. Why doesn’t he understand.

He presses and forces the fact that I should eat normally. I can feel myself getting irritated. He just doesn’t get it. I don’t want to start yelling at him. If I start to yell tears will come. I don’t feel like crying, if I cry he will think he did something wrong when he’s just trying to help. Finally I crack.

You don’t get it! You won’t be the one who is standing on the scale in the mornings praying you weigh less, you won’t be the one feeling your clothes suffocating you more and more everyday, you won’t feel the arm holes in your shirts getting tighter, you won’t be the one feeling your thighs rub roughly together when you walk, you won’t see my face getting bigger, you won’t feel the guiltiness of eating what you want. You will never understand what goes through my mind on a daily basis. You will never understand what it’s like to weigh 172 pounds and to think you look hideous. You try waking up every morning and getting on the same scale and getting the same ugly number. You don’t know what I’ve been through. You will never know.

I can feel the tears coming, I try to swallow but there’s a lump in my throat. My lips and nose start to feel heated. The first tear strolled down my cheek towards my lip. It’s a warm salty liquid. I know that soon there will be more if I don’t calm down. I quickly wipe the tear away.

My boyfriend is awestruck and quickly apologizes. why is he apologizing?! I don’t want sorrys!?
I feel guilty. But this time it’s not for eating. It’s because I just went off on the one person who actually cared enough to see and ask if I was okay. what’s wrong with me!?

I apologize and tell him I’m fine and he shouldn’t worry. I don’t want to be his burden. I don’t want him to worry.

To be continued..

One world, Many Colors.

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I’m white. I’m black. I’m “mixed”. I’m categorized like a hybrid dog. People always stare. I can feel their eyes on me. They look hard at my long dark brown Hair. Then they glance at my skin. They’re obviously confused, or even curious. She has the hair of a “white person” and skin tone of an Indian. What is she? I can always tell what they’re thinking. Maybe I should tell them now before they ask. I’m just a normal human being, I’m not different.

When my sister and I were children and we got in trouble my mom would “pop” us. No matter the place, if you were being troublesome you were getting “poped.” My sister was different from my brother and I. She was Born White with blue eyes and sandy hair. So whenever she got in trouble with my mom in a store, people would stare at my mother as if she was committing a crime. (Mother is Black) She was laying her hands on a “white” child. They would sometimes ask her if it was even her child. My mother was heart broken. Knowing that her child didn’t resemble her and with everyone asking if it was her child killed her.

Many years have passed, I’m sixteen years old now. I have noticed my race effects everything in my life. It effects my schooling, jobs, and my love life. On a job or school application they ask for my ethnicity. Sometimes they don’t have “mixed” or a “2 or more races” option. What do I check? I don’t want to choose between white and Black. What do I do? Why does it matter?

Boys wouldn’t date me because of my race. They would talk to me and ask about my ethnicity. After they found out I was part black they put distance between us. It was like I was an abomination. It wouldn’t matter how Pretty or skinny I was, I was still “Black“.

I’m not tainted, or infectious. I won’t give you a disease. I’m a person, and I have feelings. Which is something not everyone understands. I want to be accepted for who I am. A “mixed” girl.

 

No exams. No problems.

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It has been a total of six day sense I’ve worn actual pants. SIX! That’s a new record for me. I deserve a first place award! All I did for the past six days was eat, sleep, exercise, and then slept some more. My bed is a glorious essential in my life. Especially since all the snow finally came to my part of Virginia.

School had been closed for one day. (MLK Day) It was also our exam week so it was like a day off to study. It was probably 6 in the afternoon and I had just finished watching Grown Ups 2, when the school called. The recording on the phone told us we weren’t going to have school because of inclement weather that would be coming in.

That whole next day NOTHING fell from the sky. Not even a little drizzle of rain. The clouds just held back all the happiness in world from us. But finally around 6 it started to snow fat, fluffy snowflakes. It was beautiful. It started to near night, but we hadn’t got a call from the school saying there wasn’t going to be school tomorrow. So of course we were hectic and freaking out like a chicken with its head cut off. We all thought we would have to cram for the exams that would be taking place tomorrow. (Wednesday) Slowly, but surely the call arrived.

Now, I awoke and peered out the window on Wednesday. There was about 4 inches of snow on the ground. It was becoming to the eyes. It resembled crystals when the light shined just right on it. Of course, all good things must come to an end. It started to melt away and go into the streets. Even though it was melting I was sure we didn’t have school on Thursday.

I was eating lunch in Olive Garden, my sister was on Twitter, my brother was on Instagram, my father and mother was on Facebook, and I was just waiting and thinking about how the times have changed. I remember when I was a little girl and technology wasn’t so important that you would need to use it at the dinner table. I find it a little disrespectful. I want to talk about your day and my day, not watch my family being totally clueless to the world around them.

At least one good thing came from all the technology. My sister announced that exams were canceled and so was the rest of the week of school. We all were ecstatic. This all meant that I wouldn’t have to study or take any test and we will have a NINE day weekend! The only thing I could say was, “No exams. No problems.”

Lost.

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I look around and see nothing and nobody. Avoiding as many people as i can, hoping no one will touch me. I keep to myself until a friend or family member forces my surrender of silence. Whats going on with me? Why don’t I care? I don’t have any interests in anything. I don’t want a relationship. For once in my life i want to be alone; Irrelevant to the world. There will be no heart breaks. I wont be attached enough to a person, that when they leave I’ll be sad . It so easy this way. My family says that I have become “Hard Hearted”. I’m not depressed. I’m tired. I’m Lost. I don’t know what I want, or who I want to be. I’m Lost. Someone please find me.